4 Jan 14

MINIMUM WAGE?

I read somewhere that some of our resident idiots in Washington, DC want to raise the minimum wage ............ again.

  Well, today this is my "Trickle Down" thoughts on that issue as it directly impacts my own work force!  A non-union work force I might add.  So they have not had the advantages of the "Bubble Up" theories of the union movement.

I cannot afford it,  as a private, entrepreneurial, sole proprietor, small business employer!

In fact, under the current economic conditions....I intend to downsize!  By natural attrition of course....let them quit or die of old age and not rehire!  Fortunately, I don't have to worry about employing over fifty people but that's better left for another discussion.

  Those are the directions I have given to my HR department.

I can't even afford to pay myself the minimum wage, whatever it is today.  Let alone the lazy, conniving, disinterested and un-devoted group of uneducated and non customer service oriented bunch of slackers I employ here. 

 Heck, I couldn't even afford to have myself to go onto unemployment for two years.  Let alone this bunch that works for me.  I mean it!  It just isn't there.  So, I am against it.  The above attitude is probably what started the union movement in this country.  To me the key word there is "Movement", but what do I know.

In fact, I am in the process of the annual review for each of my employees and their past performance and attitudes will weigh heavily on my decisions regarding their current state of overpayment of wages.

HOOTEY

His job description includes these demands.  1. Not to poop on the floor.  2.  When screaming alert, alert, not to poop on my shoulder.  3.  When not in his cubicle, not to poop anywhere.  And finally 4. when in his cubicle not to eat all the food he can get his bill around to the exclusion of everyone else.  Current job performance grade out of one to ten.....with ten the best.....2.7358469.  You can tell I am a very demanding employer who is computer savvy and can get grades easily out to 7 or more important decimal points.

DEUCE

The LOUDEST racket is generated by this brown nosing, mildly educated, misfit.  The only song he knows is the wolf whistle.  Can't sign Dixie although many hours of training have been devoted to that effort including a confederate flag in his cubicle.  His work performance score is only slightly higher than that of Hootey at 2.7358470.  He and his cubicle mate are my front line of defense when it comes to anyone coming into my office.  Both score of 9.0 for that part of their jobs.  No one can sneak up on them without a shrieking sound at a million decibels emanating from their tiny souls.

McGee

He will probably be the first to get the attrition ax.  He is really way too old to be a useful employee but as a magnanimous employer I'll keep him on until he decides himself to move on to higher permanent employment opportunities.  Currently his job description includes no territorial job peeing, at which his currently failing.  As an active day time security position, his primary job tools include the ability to sever Achilles tendons on strangers approaching the kingdom.

MISSY

I probably get the least grief from this employee.  Other than loud barking at the mail and UPS persons.....which is clearly in her job description and at which she scores a 9.352684 out of ten...her duties include making me feel some sort of dedication to her.  Like having a  67 year old secretary (yup) with her gray hear in a bun as opposed to the young overly endowed newbie, supposedly overpaid because of her appealing appearance to the customers.  Sort of that kind of HR decision made by the boss.

Clearly, I do not run an overly benevolent dictatorship here!  I guess sort of similar to Washington.  

So go ahead and raise your minimum wage.  Make it another form of wage/wealth/income distribution.

  Then we all can hire with confidence those who score less than 2.89999999992, have poor to no customer service tools,  can barely speak English, and who don't give a damn for the company or their jobs in the first place.  Yep, that will solve a lot of problems.  God I am glad I voted the last go round.